At the ripe old age of 24, “Mickey” has retired.
Our number one, perfect in every way, first choice donor is sold out with both The Great Sperm Warehouse and with all regional suppliers.
A regional supplier in our city had promised PartnerA six more vials of “Mickey”, but then the regional supplier forgot (oops!) to follow through and actually order those vials from The Great Sperm Warehouse, and now those promised six are gone, destined for other uteri. The three vials of “Mickey” that we purchased last month are it, and the first attempt in October failed, so now we’re down to two shots in the dark. Literally and figuratively. Two.
I could be angry at the regional supplier’s incompetence, but being angry won’t procure us more vials of “Mickey”, so while I’m disappointed, I’m trying to keep hold on perspective.
Several years ago when we were house-hunting, our number one, perfect in every way, first choice house fell through too. When I’m feeling disappointed about losing our number one, perfect in every way, first choice donor, I remember being the second-highest bidder on that cozy white duplex on a quiet side street. At the time, it felt devastating, but in hindsight, the house that we purchased in the end, our home, is even better than what was once “number one”. Perspective. Losing “Mickey” is similar to losing that house? Maybe “Mickey” isn’t “home”. Everything happens for a reason. I’m trying to remind myself regularly that what is meant to be will be.
Trouble is, our second choice donor is perfectly fine, but he’s not perfect. “Mickey” is perfect. I’ve struggled (I’m struggling…) a great deal with finding a comfortable place as the “NGP”, feeling like a third wheel, feeling useless, purposeless in the process, and all of those other formerly articulated words that so unintentionally offended some readers of this blog… It’s the truth… It’s how I’ve felt and sometimes how I feel… Through the self-loathing, through the fear about not being “enough”, and through some future child’s voice yelling “You can’t make me! You’re not my mommy!” ringing in my ears, over time, I’ve slowly begun to identify with “Mickey”. “Mickey” is enough like me that in some way, his biological offspring could be mine? I’ve only just begun to feel that way. And now what? Now we’re down to two vials of “Mickey”. Two more chances. Could I feel the same, eventually, about our second choice donor? Could I identify with number two, too?
Who knows, maybe I’m getting ahead of myself. We’ve still got two more tries with “Mickey”. “Mickey” may still work out, right? Two tries might do it?
I’m trying to remain optimistic. TheImpendingFetus will be exactly who TIF is meant to be.
Nevertheless, when the new disclaimer pops up over “Mickey’s” profile in The Great Sperm Warehouse’s online catalog, my heart sinks just a little.
This donor is no longer active in the donor program and is currently sold out of units
Donor ABC1234 is no longer active in the program and is sold out of units. Additional units are not expected to become available in the future. Please take this into consideration when considering purchasing this donor.