Sea and I have decided that a child created using Mickey, our first choice donor, would have been a serial killer.  The child would likely have brought us nothing but grief, making us rue the day we chose the donor we did, before he killed us in our sleep.  He would have been used as an example of the dangers of same-sex parenting by conservatives around the world, with old men shaking their heads and exclaiming, “Just look what can happen!”  So you can thank us now, because IUI #3 didn’t work.

Dr. Text had told us that I could come in for the pregnancy test on Sunday or Monday, and we had previously decided that I would go in on Monday before work.  This morning I woke up early, feeling ill.  I had horrible cramps, and was certain that my body would be bleeding if the progesterone suppositories weren’t preventing it.  If this cycle wasn’t going to work, I wanted it to be done.  I discussed it with a still-groggy Sea, and we decided I would go in to Clinic One.  I would get my blood drawn and, while I was there, I would track down a doctor or nurse and ask why my body might be revolting.

I was at Clinic One less than an hour later, mercifully having my blood drawn by the one technician who can reliably find a vein in my arm.  Soon after the blood draw, my name was called by a young nurse who I didn’t recognise.  She pulled me into an insemination room, and stood in the doorway looking through my file, “Do you feel foolish?”  “Sorry?”, I responded, confused.  “Do you feel fluish?  Fever, chills?”  Oh, fluish.  No, I didn’t feel fluish– just uncomfortable and ill.  She proceeded to tell me that, as a nurse, she couldn’t give any advice.  She told me to take my progesterone as usual, and wait for the results of the pregnancy test.

The nurse called early this afternoon, awkward in what I’m sure is a routine call.  I had managed to avoid these calls in the first two cycles, bleeding before a pregnancy test told me I was going to, but this time I was on progesterone and wasn’t going to bleed until I stopped.  “I’m sorry to tell you this, but your beta was zero.”

Zero.  Not even a little bit pregnant.  Just absolutely and equivocally not pregnant.  Just like I was an $1000+ treatment and two weeks of progesterone suppositories ago.  Just like I was four months and several thousand dollars ago.  Except now our first choice donor has left the program, we’re out of sperm, and really beginning from the start.  Again.

And the cramps that I woke up with have progressed into a stomach flu.

In other news, I read a lot of blogs and a number of people were in the same two week wait I was.  Every single one of those two week waits has resulted in a positive pregancy test, other than ours.  Many of you have been trying a lot longer than Sea and I have, and I’m glad that your results this week are better than ours.  Still, I feel a little left behind.

But we didn’t want to have a serial killer for a child, so this is lucky, I guess.

20 thoughts on “Negative.

  1. I’m so sorry. BFNs just suck, and getting sick on top of everything else is just cruel punishment. It’s especially tough to share a 2WW with people whose results end up in a different direction, but as impossible as it may seem, your time will come (and I know that can feel like a shitty thing for someone to say, but it wasn’t long ago that I was where you are, so I hope it’s okay to say it… because I really do believe it).

  2. Oh crap…that really sucks! I’m really sorry! I’m also sorry to be one of those sharing the TWW with you that has had a positive (although not all that positive). Lex is right…your time will come! Stay strong and get better soon! My thoughts are with you and Sea.

  3. Well, I’m glad you’re not ending up with a serial killer. That’s probably a good way to look at it.

    And I may not be someone you want to hear it from at the moment, but I understand feeling left behind. Been there, done that, sent the postcards. PB likes to remind me that the *average* is 5-6 attempts in order to get pregnant, if everything is as it should be and your timing is good. The situation still sucks, and I’m in no way saying that it doesn’t, but that doesn’t mean that the process won’t work, and hopefully fairly soon.

    I hope you get over your stomach bug quickly, too!

    • I think you may be the best sort of person to hear that thing from– you’ve had a much harder time of this than I have, and it’s great to see something positive happening for you. I really hope that everything goes perfectly with your pregnancy!

  4. BFN’s are hard, especially after all the time and money that you guys have put into it. I know its not about the money, its about the baby – but at the same time, heterosexual normal couples very rarely have to jump through hoops like we do. In order to get a baby we have to go these, donor routes, made even harder by bodies,cycles,hormones that just wont cooperate. I am so sorry you have the flu and that this cycle didn’t work for you two.

  5. well THANK GOD you are avoiding the serial killer kid . . .wish it didn’t have to come with a little heartbreak at this end. But a new donor is bound to produce the most angelic nobel peace prize winning progeny EVER, right?

    Sorry about the negative. Your sense of humor is keeping you – and probably a lot of other folks – on the brighter side of shitty.

  6. So sorry that this wasn’t your month.
    I seem to respond differently to others’ good news based on how optimistic I’m feeling about our own chances. When I’m in a good place I see news of other people’s BFPs as proof that we’ll get there too. But more often I’m sad and grumpy and lonely and feel that awful left-behind way that you describe. Hang in there!

  7. Oh, NO. I’m so sorry to hear this. 😦 I remember the roller coaster of TTC all too well. It took me 8 months (plus Clomid & Progesterone) to conceive, and each BFN was more devastating than the last – especially when it feels like everyone around you is getting pregnant with ease. It sucks and made me very angry at the Universe for a while.

    I have faith that you will see your positive soon, though. Good luck with your donor search – the next guy won’t produce a serial killer, I’m sure. 🙂

  8. Sorry to hear it wasn’t your month. Happy to hear that you won’t be bringing a serial killer into the world 😉

    We were pretty lucky, as it only took 3 tries for us but I still remember vividly, how churned up we got, how crazy it is. I hope that finding a new donor isn’t too difficult and that his stuff is magic and knocks you up first go!

    Good luck!!!

  9. Thanks for making me laugh. I really enjoyed the bit about hearing the nurse ask if you feel foolish! Hope the Femera and Lefty make a winning combination!

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